We are going on week four since my husband was laid off, and in case you thought it was all sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows here, I thought I'd fill you in on a few of the emotions I go through in a day.
Not that I'm proud of myself for feeling this way mind you, and almost every day I feel like a great big bawl baby because I know there are so many people going through real, gutwrenching heartache and my little problems are only a drip compared to their great sea of despair.
Nevertheless, the feelings come, and I wish I could say I was wise enough and strong enough to push them away, but that just isn't true.
- Self Pity - I feel sorry for myself and wonder why this is happening to us.
- Anger - I feel angry that this is happening. Angry at people who complain about their jobs, angry at gas prices, angry at the economy.
- Shame - I'm ashamed that we have to take food from the church pantry. I'm ashamed that I am angry.
- Worry - I feel sure that there is no way we are going to make it.
- Exhaustion - I feel overwhelmed with all the analyzing and scrutinizing that goes into everyday decisions. For instance, if we need milk, should we use the gas to go to the store to buy it today? Or do we wait until we go in to church to pick it up? Everything seems extra complicated.
- Defensiveness- I feel the need to explain if someone I know sees that I have a Starbucks frappuccino. (I used a gift card.)
- Guilt - I feel guilty about these feelings. Guilty that I worry.
I realize these feelings don't make sense and that I shouldn't feel defensive, for instance, about using a gift card to buy a frappuccino.
I do believe that God will care for all of our needs, but I also know that sometimes God cares for the needs of his people with locusts and wild honey, and here's the thing, I don't care for eating crickets.
So, now you know the cold, hard truth. I'm not as nice as you thought I was.
And I'm biased against eating insects.